gotta keep busy.

i scheduled another virtual interview on wednesday morning. i already have an in-person interview scheduled at a store that afternoon but since i'm pretty sure this interview i just scheduled is virtual.. it should be just fine. i was thinking exactly about why my mom and my family (except jay and joe) act like they don't care if i work and aren't encouraging and/or helpful to me about working a job. besides the fact that my mom doesn't have any experience in working a job (besides helping my GRANDPA's sister on her farm a long time ago). they also haven't really came across the opportunities to work these kind of jobs that AREN'T for family members and basically work-when-you-want-to jobs. it could be because they're in an area of the state where there aren't really any jobs (i think my grandma had to travel at least 30-40 minutes to get to the job she worked when she was alive). my mom is afraid of the city and diversity in general.. so she'd rather not get out there and work. you know what you become with that kinda attitude? NOTHING. you also make the same amount with that kinda attitude. i have absolutely NO desire to settle with that bullshit. misery loves company and since misery doesn't give a fuck about me (she proved it when she held me up as a shield while my dad was kicking her and has never taken accountability or care for it in her life), she tries to CLING to me.. PERFECT FOR AMANDA! SINCE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME EITHER- IT ALSO MAKES HER JOB EASIER IF I DO NOTHING LIKE MY MOMMY AND BECOME NOTHING. so either my mental health or my health in general kills me from doing NOTHING and she can act like she cared or i end up dependant on cigarettes and drugs to make me feel better just like my mommy! *claps* great plan!.. if you're a careless, naive IDIOT. it's really a good thing that i'm seeing my therapist later. i remember driving my wheelchair out to the road and thinking about driving out in traffic when i used to live in burnsville when i really didn't see a therapist (or not that often anyway). i think of people my age who i knew (only derrick comes to mind right now.. i'm sure there's more) who ended up killing themselves.. their families more than likely said after he died, "HE COULD'VE CAME TO ME!" if his situation was ANYTHING like my situation- IT'S NOT CONVENIENT OR BENEFICIAL TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS TO EVEN TALK TO YOU!.. SO NO HE COULDN'T HAVE. i'm not really sure of his situation though.. i know that i heard from abel that he took too much of this shit (i forget what kind of drug). i'm thinking it was on purpose because when you take enough of that shit- i'm sure it can make you thinking crazy things.. even to take more, so you'll feel better or something. it also probably makes you think that nobody will care if you're gone anyway. i feel like i've taken medications in the past which had side effects of depressive thoughts and i remember telling the nurse i was feeling more depressed than usual.. so she took me off certain pills. the care i receive consists of empty encouragement like "YOU GOT THIS!" without any attempt to help with my problems.. probably because I GOT THIS! *rolls eyes* you've obviously NEVER dealt with someone with a traumatic brain injury before in your life. OH! THAT'S IF SHE ACTUALLY ANSWERS THE PHONE! OF COURSE! i am of no importance or relevance to her. i show her no benefit. WHY AREN'T I SATISFIED WITH HAULING MY ASS BACK AND FORTH IN A DAMN WHEELCHAIR TO AND FROM COURAGE KENNY WHERE THEY DEPEND ON PEOPLE TO BE DISABLED, SO THEY CAN HELP THEM STAY THAT WAY AND HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE ABOUT DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHILE MAKING THEM LOOK LIKE THEY ACTUALLY HELP AND MAKE MONEY OFF THEM- SINCE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GET HELP THERE HAVE ADVOCACY ALONG WITH MONEY?! it makes my super kewliez family actually look like they give a damn about me when they don't do a fuckin thing! (other than joe and jay) that's the thing amanda.. it takes EMPATHY to support and actually care for a person with a brain injury. empathy requires intelligence and care.. so that isn't your thing. i haven't even got my driver's license back after it expired since no one cared enough about me to make sure i have the skills to SAFELY drive. no.. instead- once i got to st. paul and tried to get my driver's license myself- they worked to CANCEL my driving privileges altogether (i've never been in an accident and i was only pulled over once after running a red light back when my ex used to let me drive his car). amanda was SUPPOSEDLY supposed to help me get my driver's license back along with help me move to new york after my grandma died! HAS SHE DONE EITHER? HELL NO. she doesn't care about me that much. it inconveniences her too much because that's ALL i am and ever will be to her- AN INCONVENIENCE. i'm taking this party east where they actually have resources and jobs for me to be truly happy and successful. IF AMANDA WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE GO TO COURAGE KENNY SO BAD- SHE CAN DRAG HER OWN ASS THERE. what's that? she's too able to go there? i know how she feels. although- the difference between us is that people ACTUALLY care about her, so she doesn't have to give up her goals and be a rehabilitation tool. I'VE SPENT AT LEAST 5 YEARS AT THAT DUMP. DO YOU THINK THE VIDEOS OF ME AT COURAGE KENNY ARE AI OR SOME SHIT?! IF YOU HAD A BRAIN- YOU'D ACTUALLY REALIZE WHAT I'M SAYING IS TRUE. i may just end up like derrick if people continue not to fuckin listen to me and actually help me the way I want and need to be helped. that must be your goal- so convince people i'm crazy so you don't have to do the work to actually help and advocate for me JUST LIKE YOUR NAIVE AUNT PROMISED ME EVERY DAMN NIGHT ON THE PHONE WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE. i wouldn't lie about that either- i know my grandma would haunt me if i lied about her.